One Year
So, it has been a year since my nephew, Chris, was killed in a car accident. It has been the fastest and yet slowest year of my life. There are days where my brain tells me that it didn't happen and that it is just a dream. Yet, even in denial I know it happened. My 25 year old nephew is gone...
I think I have experienced this year much differently than most who have been going through the grieving process. Most of the year has been emotionless. I have been in denial and I have often felt that I was on the outside looking in. Every single time that I pass exit 19 on 695 I remember when I pulled over so my mom could tell me that he was gone. I sat there in the middle of rush hour traffic wondering what I should do. The 300 miles that separated me and my family might as well have been a million. At that moment I wish I had a Mr. Gadget helicopter hat so I could fly over it all and land in Crisfield. Obviously, it wasn't that simple and it probably was the longest three hours of my life.
I thought, "Well, I need to keep it together because I am driving to mom and dads and when I get home and see mom then I will cry." When that didn't happen I thought, "Well when I see my brother, then I will cry." When that didn't happen I thought, "Well when I see him for the last time, then I know I will cry." After it was all over, I felt nothing. It was a very strange feeling. I felt like I was dishonoring Chris somehow by not crying and grieving in that way. I was assured many times that this was normal, however I felt anything but.
I think my mom got to me more than anything. I had never seen her cry like that before. She is always the strong one in the family. She is the rock that people go to when things like this happen. She always has poignant things to say to help you get through the moment. Yet, I saw her completely broken. Maybe in a sense I felt like I had to be the strong one. Maybe I had to keep it together so that everyone else could fall apart. It was still a strange feeling being probably the ONLY one at the funeral who didn't cry, but I felt like I was able to experience it objectively and not just something I HAD to do. I was able to listen to all of the stories and hear the preacher who spoke so well of Chris, our family, and some of our moments in time together.
Though, for my family the moments were few, those nine years will be the most preserved and cherished. Those moments I wish I spent more time with him, laughed more, hugged more, and memorized his face, smell, and smile. I am SO THANKFUL that God gave me those moments. I am thankful that I got to meet him after such a long absence and eat at the dinner table with him, be facebook buddies, and proudly hang a photograph of us on the wall. A photo that I look at least once a day so that I won't forget him and his 6'4 tallness and his "up to something" grin.
For myself, it is ONLY GOD that has helped me through this year. I know many in my family feel the same. I honestly don't think I would be able to heal from something like this if it wasn't for my relationship with God. I know many people see it as a crutch or say things like, " If God is SO GOOD, then why does he let bad things happen?!" Well, there is no easy answer to that question. I may never understand why. But I will tell you what I do know. God doesn't let bad things happen without something good coming from it. I don't believe it was God's will for Chris to die suddenly or leave his family and children behind. When something bad happens He will always make something good come from it. I know it is hard to believe, but those who have faith must trust Him, No. Matter. What.
God is my best friend, and sometimes things just happen for no reason. Even if I knew the reason 'Why' it happened, I don't think it would solve anything or make me feel better. Things happen to teach us something, to open our eyes to just how fragile life is, to make us understand that the moments we have are precious and we should spend it doing things that bring us closer together as a family, a community, and a race. People who are frivolous with their lives are only searching for something that connot be attained here on Earth. You will not find the answer to any of the questions you have here in this world because the world only cares for itself and pleasing itself.
The answer will only be found when you take yourself out of the equation. God is the God of love, true love. He loves you so much that his son died for you. And even if you were the only person on the whole planet, he would die for you still. If you think you need to "have fun before you get your life straight" then you are so mistaken in your assumption. I have tested the waters of the world and it wasn't fun nor was I happy. I have never been happier and more satisfied than when I am talking to Him and allow Him to do what he wants in my life.
I would not be in Baltimore and going to college at 30 if it were not for God directing me to do so. It was never something I saw myself doing. I swore I would be married by now and have a couple of kids, but God has a greater vision and I will spend my life having the TIME OF MY LIFE figuring that out.
I was devastated when I found out about Chris and my heart will never be the same. It will heal eventually, but the pieces won't exactly fit back together in the same way. I am thankful for a God who knows how I feel and sees the broken pieces and mends them with His love. For those who don't know what it feels like to have a true love that will never lie to you or cheat on you, blame you, or use you for selfish intentions, please let me challenge you.
I challenge you to try God. He will be your best friend, your lover, your father, and mother. It is a love unlike any other. He will mend the pieces of your broken heart, he will give you hope and assure you of your future before you even get there. And even if your life is cut short, you will have the promise of God that your life will be eternal.
I will miss Chris every day, every minute that I am alive, but I have peace knowing where he is. I know one day I will see him again and it will be like we have never parted. He is with my family that have also gone before and he is waiting, but there is only one way to be sure to see him again and that is to give your heart to God. It has been a tough year, an emotional or in my case emotionless year, a year where I had no where to go but to God because he is the only one that truly understands and is there every step of the way. There is no way I could do this on my own.
Chris, you will always be in my heart, mind, and in my memories. I promise to cherish those moments. I promise to love your kids and try to teach them something as they grow and never let them forget you. I promise to love Anna as if she were my sister. I promise to remember the day you came back into our family and be SO THANKFUL to God that I had that opportunity to hug you and be proud that my nephew was here with me. You will be forever loved by so many of us you have left behind and we will never forget you.
I think I have experienced this year much differently than most who have been going through the grieving process. Most of the year has been emotionless. I have been in denial and I have often felt that I was on the outside looking in. Every single time that I pass exit 19 on 695 I remember when I pulled over so my mom could tell me that he was gone. I sat there in the middle of rush hour traffic wondering what I should do. The 300 miles that separated me and my family might as well have been a million. At that moment I wish I had a Mr. Gadget helicopter hat so I could fly over it all and land in Crisfield. Obviously, it wasn't that simple and it probably was the longest three hours of my life.
I thought, "Well, I need to keep it together because I am driving to mom and dads and when I get home and see mom then I will cry." When that didn't happen I thought, "Well when I see my brother, then I will cry." When that didn't happen I thought, "Well when I see him for the last time, then I know I will cry." After it was all over, I felt nothing. It was a very strange feeling. I felt like I was dishonoring Chris somehow by not crying and grieving in that way. I was assured many times that this was normal, however I felt anything but.
I think my mom got to me more than anything. I had never seen her cry like that before. She is always the strong one in the family. She is the rock that people go to when things like this happen. She always has poignant things to say to help you get through the moment. Yet, I saw her completely broken. Maybe in a sense I felt like I had to be the strong one. Maybe I had to keep it together so that everyone else could fall apart. It was still a strange feeling being probably the ONLY one at the funeral who didn't cry, but I felt like I was able to experience it objectively and not just something I HAD to do. I was able to listen to all of the stories and hear the preacher who spoke so well of Chris, our family, and some of our moments in time together.
Though, for my family the moments were few, those nine years will be the most preserved and cherished. Those moments I wish I spent more time with him, laughed more, hugged more, and memorized his face, smell, and smile. I am SO THANKFUL that God gave me those moments. I am thankful that I got to meet him after such a long absence and eat at the dinner table with him, be facebook buddies, and proudly hang a photograph of us on the wall. A photo that I look at least once a day so that I won't forget him and his 6'4 tallness and his "up to something" grin.
For myself, it is ONLY GOD that has helped me through this year. I know many in my family feel the same. I honestly don't think I would be able to heal from something like this if it wasn't for my relationship with God. I know many people see it as a crutch or say things like, " If God is SO GOOD, then why does he let bad things happen?!" Well, there is no easy answer to that question. I may never understand why. But I will tell you what I do know. God doesn't let bad things happen without something good coming from it. I don't believe it was God's will for Chris to die suddenly or leave his family and children behind. When something bad happens He will always make something good come from it. I know it is hard to believe, but those who have faith must trust Him, No. Matter. What.
God is my best friend, and sometimes things just happen for no reason. Even if I knew the reason 'Why' it happened, I don't think it would solve anything or make me feel better. Things happen to teach us something, to open our eyes to just how fragile life is, to make us understand that the moments we have are precious and we should spend it doing things that bring us closer together as a family, a community, and a race. People who are frivolous with their lives are only searching for something that connot be attained here on Earth. You will not find the answer to any of the questions you have here in this world because the world only cares for itself and pleasing itself.
The answer will only be found when you take yourself out of the equation. God is the God of love, true love. He loves you so much that his son died for you. And even if you were the only person on the whole planet, he would die for you still. If you think you need to "have fun before you get your life straight" then you are so mistaken in your assumption. I have tested the waters of the world and it wasn't fun nor was I happy. I have never been happier and more satisfied than when I am talking to Him and allow Him to do what he wants in my life.
I would not be in Baltimore and going to college at 30 if it were not for God directing me to do so. It was never something I saw myself doing. I swore I would be married by now and have a couple of kids, but God has a greater vision and I will spend my life having the TIME OF MY LIFE figuring that out.
I was devastated when I found out about Chris and my heart will never be the same. It will heal eventually, but the pieces won't exactly fit back together in the same way. I am thankful for a God who knows how I feel and sees the broken pieces and mends them with His love. For those who don't know what it feels like to have a true love that will never lie to you or cheat on you, blame you, or use you for selfish intentions, please let me challenge you.
I challenge you to try God. He will be your best friend, your lover, your father, and mother. It is a love unlike any other. He will mend the pieces of your broken heart, he will give you hope and assure you of your future before you even get there. And even if your life is cut short, you will have the promise of God that your life will be eternal.
I will miss Chris every day, every minute that I am alive, but I have peace knowing where he is. I know one day I will see him again and it will be like we have never parted. He is with my family that have also gone before and he is waiting, but there is only one way to be sure to see him again and that is to give your heart to God. It has been a tough year, an emotional or in my case emotionless year, a year where I had no where to go but to God because he is the only one that truly understands and is there every step of the way. There is no way I could do this on my own.
Chris, you will always be in my heart, mind, and in my memories. I promise to cherish those moments. I promise to love your kids and try to teach them something as they grow and never let them forget you. I promise to love Anna as if she were my sister. I promise to remember the day you came back into our family and be SO THANKFUL to God that I had that opportunity to hug you and be proud that my nephew was here with me. You will be forever loved by so many of us you have left behind and we will never forget you.
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